Apparently time is a constant. It moves at the same pace no matter where you are or what you are doing. I think this is a lie: It moves quicker on holiday, Sunday evenings and when you are drinking a glass of wine (or maybe that’s just the wine that moves quicker…) and it moves slower on Monday’s; when watching a kettle boil and waiting for test results and appointments.
My results from my day of testing did come back and I got the all clear to move to the next stage (hurrah!) which includes a chat with a kidney specialist (to talk through the procedure and the risks etc) and a CT Angiogram to look at the structure of my Kidneys and make sure they have all the right bits in the right places.
But whilst waiting for those results, and then the waiting for the next set of test I feel in a state of limbo. Like I’m in one giant waiting room, just… waiting. I can’t sit and relax at home – I either need to be doing something or trying to get to sleep to just make the next day come quicker. At work, I’m going through the motions but none of it seems important or relevant. I think of events and dates as either “Before I have X appointment” or “After X appointment”. I am marvelling at people who can remain focused on other things as every waking moment I am fixated on the donation process.
Each result feels like a lock unpicked on the next door to another waiting room, and what worries me most is that at some point after all the tests are done there will be nothing left but to wait. Wait for the next matching run; wait for the phone call to say we have been matched/not matched… rinse and repeat until we find the keys for that next waiting room door that will lead to an operating room and all that lays beyond it.
I’m a advocate of mindfulness and meditation so I know that living in the past or future is neither practical or productive as only the present is real. That is why I am keeping up with journaling, meditating and writing short stories as in those moments I am not a potential donor waiting to get on a list, I am just being me.